IN CONGRESS, July 4, 2015.
The unanimous Declaration of the fifty-seven united States of America,
When in the Course of gender-neutral events, it becomes necessary for one Gaia Worshiping people to heap scorn and spite upon the productive sector with an eye to removing the rights of that sector which have not allowed the non-productive sector to parasitize the other, and to assume among the powers of the omniscient and benevolent United Nations, the separate and dependent station to which the Laws of Gaia and of Al Gore entitle them, a decent respect for the opinions of all politically correct and appropriately compassionate mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation of those rights from the productive sector.
We hold these truths to be pretty cool right now, that all persons of color are created equal a few years after birth, that they are endowed by the state with certain easily rescinded Rights, that among these are Food Stamps (just kidding; these are for life and can be handed down to your dependents as long as they vote early and often), State Dependency and the pursuit of this week’s Sexual Preference.–That to secure these rights, Holy Governments are instituted among the really cool, deriving their just powers from the consent of the ruling class of mostly rich white progressive males, –That whenever any Form of opposition to Big Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the properly educated Legitimate People that vote early and often to alter or to abolish that opposition, and to institute expansive new Government regulations, laying a foundation on such and organizing its Holy and unalterable powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect the Dependent and Subservient people’s Safety and Happiness but to also compel the non-compliant to do whatever Big government says. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should only be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that personkind is more disposed to suffer at the hands of ignorant southern rednecks, whose evils are insufferable, especially that silly flag, than to right themselves by forever adjusting the forms to which they are accustomed and begin to marry whomever or whatever or however often they wish as long as Christians are made to bake them cakes. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under the absolute Despotism of the disloyal opposition, it is the Correct People’s right, it is their duty, to throw off such Christian Nazi parasites, and to provide new Guards for their future repression.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Correct and Loving People; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to further establish ever more repressive Systems of Government. The history of the present fat King of the Evil right, Donald Trump (or Ted Cruz or any other non-RINO Republican) is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the disestablishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
Donald Trump [or insert other nasty right-winger here] has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He (and other worshipers of the tax-sheltering, hetero-normative patriarchy) has forbidden his CFO’s to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them disallowing the sale of Starbuck’s gift cards.
He (and other conservative, ammo-stockpiling, neo-con-artist enemies of the state) has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people oppressed by Christian Bakeries, unless those people would demand the right of Representation in the Legislature, a stupid right to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He (and other nasty orthodox, Faux-News jabbering, NASCARcissist, Megachurch-going Christards) has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records at C-PAC, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He (and other gun-fondling, brownshirt, hatemongering poisoners of wells) has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people where sexual reassignment surgery is concerned.
He (and other mewling, anti-abortion terrorist, Honey Boo Boo, white-trash baby machines) has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from within, and convulsions without.
He (and other disloyal private sector illiterate, Kool-Aid-drinking parasites, depriving many villages of their idiots) has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for unfettered Naturalization of illegal Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He (and other constitution hugging, Christianity-bastardizing assclowns) has obstructed the Administration of the Department of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He (and other rapture-lusting, racist cops and sexist firepersons) has refused to make Judges dependent on Politically Correct Public Opinion alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He (and other Hobby Lobby, glacier hating conservatard) has erected a multitude of New Office Buildings, Condos, Hotels and Casinos, and sent hither swarms of Celebrity Apprentices to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He (and other Chick-Fil A-gobbling, nuclear-bomb-riding extremist) has failed to keep among us, in times of peace or war, Standing Armies of Busybodies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He (and other rapist, racist, beer-swilling Rotarians) has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power and to make them wear high-heels.
He (and other lobotomized, tea-bagging, birthers) has combined with others to fail to subject us to a jurisdiction native to our constitution, and acknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of Legislation:
For failing to Quarter large bodies of armed troops among us:
For failing to protect them, by Public Show Trials, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the right-wing Inhabitants of these States:
For encouraging Trade with all parts of the world:
For failing to impose Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Public Show Trials:
For failing to transport us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
For failing to establish Laws at Occupy Wall Street, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these States:
For refusing to take away our Charters, abolish our most valuable Laws, and alter fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For failing to suspend our own Legislatures, and not declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He (and other flag waving, cross-burning, drug and murder crazed thug vets) has not abdicated Government here, by not declaring us out of his Protection and not waging War against us.
He (and other non-person, gap-toothed, piety-spouting, “patriot” nitwits) has never plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, nor destroyed the lives of our people.
He (and other pro-life, home-schooling, baby-machine, planet-hating tradition whores) is at this time failing to transport large Armies of foreign Mercenary Immigrants to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He (and other Paleoconservative, Uncle Tom, Fox News Humping Losers) has not constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, nor to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, nor to fall themselves by their Hands.
He (and other homeschooled, FOX Noise-parroting, jingoist, water-board-loving ignoramuses) has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Right wing Conservatives Bible Thumping Gun Hugging Savages of Flyover America, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A CEO whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a compliant people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Confederate Flag Waving brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Subjects.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the Correct-Thinking united States of Diversity America, in General Knee-Jerk Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world, Obama, for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these subservient states, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Subservient States are, and of Right ought to be subdued and Dependent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to or decent behavior towards all Right-Wing Racists, and that all political connection between them and the State of Grace that is Dependence on Washington Handouts, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Subservient and Dependent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.